Conflict and Abuse

Recently a friend suggested that I look at the relationship between conflict and abuse. As that seemed like a good idea, here are my thoughts. For the purpose of this examination, let's assume that Chris did something that upsets Dale. Adrian is a neutral third party who has a relationship with both Chris and Dale.

Conflict
I define this as situations where there are at least two points of view and at least one person experiencing nontrivial emotional upset (in this case Dale). To be sure, sometimes Dale will be able work through their hard feelings unilaterally and nothing more needs to be done. Sometimes Dale will be able to work through the dynamic with Chris directly and life goes on. Other times, unfortunately, the reaction lingers and festers—and Chris may or may not know that this is happening. (Much of my work as a process consultant entails helping groups work through unresolved conflicts, mainly because our wider culture doesn't offer good tools for processing upset, so the group's capacity to handle it, either individually or as a group, can vary widely, and is often quite limited.)

Abuse 
I believe this occurs when Dale experiences Chris as having crossed a personal boundary without permission. That boundary may or may not have been articulated prior to the action, or been made known to Chris ahead of time. The action may or may not have been intended to be abusive. Further, abuse is experienced in a wide range of severity, and at the heavier end can be quite difficult to recover from.

Independent of severity, when Dale feels abused by Chris, it will invariably result in a degradation of trust. When Dale and Chris are in the same group, it can be very difficult for both to remain members unless Dale is willing and able to process their upset with Chris. On the one hand, it my be in Dale's best interest to process their experience of being abused by Chris independently. On the other, it is hard on the group (and perhaps on Chris) when there is unresolved tension between the two and no willingness to work it out.

Having said all that, abuse happens in minor ways (microaggressions) all the time. At what point does it rise to the level that it's appropriate to focus attention on it? That's not simple to answer. I believe it depends on history (both with abuse in general and with Chris in particular), context, and the sense in which Dale trusted (naively or with cause) that Chris would not violate a personal boundary. In any event, I think we can reasonably posit that any action that Dale labels abusive is going to carry with it an emotional load—which means that it fits under the umbrella of conflict.

My friend (who suggested that I consider this topic) shared that she believes that abuse and conflict should be handled differently. Let's explore that.

How to Respond 
When someone is in serious reaction—whether it's styled abuse or not—I think immediate Rx is called for. My approach is to offer to listen to what Dale has to say about their feelings and their experience without judgment. Without taking sides, I simply believe what Dale says as their truth (knowing that Chris and other players in the described dynamic may have different stories that don't align). As someone trying to be helpful, my job is not to discover the Truth (what really happened), but to be present to what Dale reports and its meaning.

I try to keep the initial engagement focused on three things: a) what are the feelings; b) what is the story (the context in which the feelings arose); and c) what is the meaning (why does it matter). I try to steer the conversation away from judgment or analysis of Chris' motivation. Whether this happens just with me or in the presence of Chris depends hugely on what the person in reaction needs to feel sufficiently safe to speak, and whether Dale wants an ongoing relationship with Chris.

Let's examine what support might look like in the case of someone feeling abused, depending on whether they want relationship going forward or not.

Doesn't Want Relationship with Chris Going Forward
Here are ways that a friend or facilitator might offer support:

•  Help Dale plumb the depths of their emotional response, and its meaning. Help them look at ways to recover and feel good about themselves.
•  Help Dale understand better their personal boundaries and how to make them known more clearly.
•  Help Dale identify how to protect themselves against a repetition of a bad experience (what would increased safety look like?).
•  Are there steps to take to distance themselves from Chris? This might include looking at whether to leave any group that Chris is also a member of.

To what extent, if any, does it make sense for Dale to make requests or demands on others in relationship to Chris in contexts other than private? For example, suppose that Dale and Chris are both members of the local symphony orchestra and both play the same instrument. When Adrian, the conductor, assigns them adjacent seats, is it reasonable for Dale to ask Adrian to move Chris to a seat further away?

Suppose instead that Dale is a carpenter and works for a company that Chris hires to remodel a room in their house. Is it OK for Chris to demand that Dale not work on the project, keeping them out of Chris' home—both literally and energetically?

While I think it's Chris' business whether to resolve tensions with Dale, if Chris makes the choice to not engage with Dale, to what extent can Dale ask Adrian to shift things involving Chris to accommodate Dale's discomfort being around Chris? (Actually, I think it's always OK to ask for what you want. What I really mean is whether Dale can reasonably expect others to honor that request, especially when it creates a headache for them?) 

I'm not sure. You're weighing Adrian's apples (the strength of their headache), against Dale's oranges (the strength of their trauma), against Chris' bananas (the strength of their right to not have other aspects of their life limited by a misstep with Dale—especially when Dale has declined to engage with Chris about it). This is a difficult calculus.

Does Want Relationship with Chris Going Forward
While all of the previous questions still obtain, it now makes sense to ask what Dale needs from Chris in order to be willing to engage further. It could be acknowledgment of the pain; it could be an apology; it could be agreements to behave differently in the future; or all of the above. If Dale wants an ongoing relationship with Chris, it will be helpful if Dale can lay out what the pathway to rehabilitation looks like.

• • •

Taken all together, if Chris and Dale are in the same group, I agree that abuse should be treated differently from other forms of conflict in this way: I generally think it's reasonable (even important) that both Dale and Chris be expected to make a good faith effort to try to resolve interpersonal tensions between them—with group assistance if necessary—if they are unable to do so on their own. However, if Dale feels abused by what Chris did, and both want to remain in the group (which is the interesting case), then I would respect Dale's right to decline to engage with Chris. I might request that Dale consider engaging Chris with the group's assistance, but I would not require it. If Dale chooses not to engage with Chris in working through their trauma, the group will have to feel its way through any requests from Dale that Chris' opportunities in the group be limited as a consequence of Dale's abuse experience.

On the matter of how I, as a facilitator, would try to support Dale after understanding that they were triggered by Chris, I would begin the same way (by listening and acknowledging), independent of whether or not they labeled Chris' actions abusive.

Because of the potential I see for the previous paragraph to be misused, I want to explore it a little deeper. The phenomenon I'm worried about is where Dale employs the "abuse" label to avoid working out their reaction to Chris, claiming that they prefer to do this work solo (or perhaps with the help of an outside friend or counselor), yet nothing seems to change. While it's almost always better for the group to have people work through their distress—rather than allowing it to fester—it can be the wrong thing for the abused person's recovery, and it can be delicate knowing the right way to go in a given situation. 

Thus, I think it's OK that groups ask their members to try to work out any unresolved tension with other members, while allowing for the possibility that if a member reports feeling abused that this expectation may be waived.