Showing posts with label The Four Agreements. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Four Agreements. Show all posts

Sunday, March 12, 2023

The Genius of Indigenous Culture

Over the winter holidays I read a fascinating book that I picked up on whim while Xmas shopping at one of Duluth's indie bookstores: Covered with Night, by Nicole Eustace.

It's well-researched historical fiction, examining the machinations surrounding the murder of a native fur hunter by two white traders in eastern Pennsylvania while dickering over the price of the hunter's pelts in February 1721—fully three centuries ago. This occurred at a frontier outpost some 30 miles west of Philadelphia, which at that time was a burgeoning, yet modest trade center and port on entry. William Penn, the founding Quaker, had just died (in 1718), and Pennsylvania was in the midst of trying to sort out who would control the colony and whether it would remain in Quaker hands.

The power of the narrative is that the dialog and thoughts are extrapolated from detailed diaries kept by Quaker officials who were part of the Philadelphia town council at the time, as well as the correspondence of other key white players. While there was (apparently) no source material available from indigenous people, there was nonetheless plenty of critical statements about the actions and motivations of the white players because of the ongoing tensions between Quakers and non-Quakers.

On the indigenous side, the largest player was the Haudenosaunee—otherwise referred to as the Iroquois Confederacy—an aggregation of five tribes in the northeast: the Mohawk, Seneca, Oneida, Onondaga, and Cayuga (just after the seminal incident that the book is based around, the Tuscarora joined the Confederacy, making it six nations). While other regional tribes were also part of the mix, I want to focus in particular on the role of the Haudenosaunee in this reflection.

Eustace does a terrific job of unpacking the varied ways in which the Eurocentric and Indigenous cultures differed and often misunderstood each other, a problem that has persisted throughout US history, often with tragic and outrageous consequences.

In no particular order, here are some of the contrasts illuminated by Covered with Night:

A. Relationship to Gender

While there were gendered occupational roles among the native peoples, when it came to decision-making, the views of tribal women were taken every bit as seriously as those of tribal men. The Haudenosaunee would simply not proceed on an important tribal issue until they'd heard from the women. This stands in sharp contrast with the European practice of not even asking women what they thought, or allowing them to hold political office.

B. Relationship to Integrity

In reading about the Haudensaunee's emphasis on personal integrity, I was reminded of the first of Miguel Ruiz' tenets for living a quality life: be impeccable with your word, which essentially means keeping your commitments and walking your talk. This is laid out in depth in his 1997 book, The Four Agreements. Not surprisingly, Ruiz' writing is a distillation of ancient Toltec wisdom, helping people to live in right relationship with themselves, with others, with life itself, and with God (if your cosmology includes the concept of a supreme spiritual entity).

While such guidance may not seem that special, the white folks on the scene struggled mightily with it—then as now. They would repeatedly make promises to indigenous people that they would not keep (setting the tone right away for a pattern of treaty violations that continued for centuries). And it was even worse than that. The Quaker Meeting based in Philadelphia came out solidly against slavery about a decade before this murder incident, yet all the wealthy Quakers in town owned and traded in slaves. Hypocrisy R Us. 

Further, it is no little thing that the two brothers who committed the murder represented the European law in their segment of Pennsylvania. Oops!

Among whites, apparently, personal integrity is standard you hold others to. If you question that as a relevant part of our white heritage (given that it happened 300 years ago), reflect on what we're seeing among us today, where the outrageous lies and behavior of Donald Trump, George Santos, and Fox News can be documented and exposed and it's not clear that there are consequences. Among the Haudenosaunee you would be held accountable for your word.

C. Relationship to Land

The Haudenosaunee, like most indigenous tribes, did not view land as a privatized commodity, and thus they had trouble understanding the white's continued interest in expanding farmland (and fencing it in) and obtaining mineral rights to traditional native lands. In indigenous thinking, the land was an asset held in trust for all. Among Europeans, it was an asset in which to store wealth, and suitable for exploitation at the owner's sole discretion. All manner of mischief ensued from this discrepancy of perspective.

While the native approach may not have been the acme of regenerative agriculture, they had been productively working the land for centuries before the whites arrived. The contrasting European style was to emphasize quick returns. Once the land's natural fertility had been depleted, they simply moved further west.

D. Relationship to Justice

A key element of the cultural misunderstandings was a profound difference in how justice was perceived. While the Haudenosaunee sense of justice had evolved (over a long time) into one that emphasized reconciliation and relationship repair, Europeans were locked into a focus on retribution, punishment, and assignment of blame. Reputedly, the dying words of the native hunter were, "My friends have killed me," indicating that even after having received a mortal wound, he continued to view his attackers as his friends (with whom he'd done business in the past).

Where the Iroquois tried to reinforce good behavior through the reward of connection and a secure place in the tribe, the Europeans were attempting to control aberrant behavior through threat of punishment and loss of freedom. One used the carrot; the other the stick. Where the Haudenosaunee expected gifts from the Europeans as a token of what value they placed on a good relationship with them (all the more important when that relationship had been strained), the Europeans interpreted that expectation as compensation, more like a fine. As such, the signals were constantly being misconstrued.

E. Relationship to Relationship

The whites saw the indigenous people as inferior (essentially as children and undeveloped), consistently misunderstanding that other cultures may not only be well developed, but better adapted. It is fundamentally different to be trying to outcompete or dominate those around you, versus trying to coexist peaceably with your neighbors. Where Europeans were looking for edges and information to file away for future advantage; indigenous peoples were looking for ways to find harmony and file away edges and rough spots.

F. Relationship to Intentional Communities Today

In reading this story I was profoundly struck by the parallel between the culture that the Iroquois Confederacy had consciously chosen (moving away from embracing war as a solution to problems) and what intentional communities strive to create as cooperative culture, as a distinct alternative from the competitive and adversarial mainstream culture of the dominant society.

To be clear, I don't think intentional communities are consciously trying to emulate indigenous culture (though there may be some of that in places). Rather I think it's a matter of a good idea resurfacing independently at a different point in history, because of the inequity and misery that's endemic in modern society, and the compelling need to integrate better with the natural world.

I find it incredibly heartening to learn that the cultural path we community builders are trying to define is one that has been trodden before. 

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Four Agreements

Just as I was wrapping up last week's appointment with my counselor, she handed me a slim volume by Don Miguel Ruiz published in 1997, The Four Agreements, A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom.

The dust jacket gives an excellent precis of the essential advice, based on a distillation of Toltec wisdom:

1. Be Impeccable with Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering. 

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. 

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

• • •
What's eerie about this is how well this simple set of admonitions maps onto the issues that Ma'ikwe decided to leave me over two weeks ago. Here are some highlights (or low lights, if you will):

o  Overcommitment: saying I'll do a thing and then failing to get it done in a timely way. This is just another way of pointing how I've been less than impeccable with my word. Perhaps because I have a inflated sense of what I can do, or because I set poor boundaries on the claims I accept on my time. Not wanting to disappoint anyone, especially a loved one, there are times that I am sloppy about what I agree to do and I fall short.

Naturally, this has bad consequences. Not only is the thing not getting done in a timely way, but I've prevented another plan from being made that might have gotten the thing done on time, and I've undercut the trust people place in my word. To be sure, I'm hardly the only person with this issue, yet I'm the only one who can do something about my version of it.

o  Overreacting: the pattern here is my going into distress when she tells me what's hard for her about something I've done (or not done). When this occurs it can be the devil making reasonable progress on the triggering issue because of how I shift the focus to my distress. This one relates easily to the second agreement: not taking anything personally. By making her feedback devastating, I sidetrack the conversation and invite her to feel awful for bringing it up. Not good.

o  Shying away from stating what I want: this is another version of not being impeccable with my word because I am not voicing my truth (what is going on for me). Instead I try to accept Ma'ikwe as she is (which works some of the time) but doesn't give her a sense of being met. She pushes and I step back. While that may work well enough on the dance floor, it's not a solid basis for a partnership (she's comes across as a bitch and I play the part of the long suffering victim—yuck).

o  Lack of empathy for how my behaviors land on her: while I've done OK in recognizing when Ma'ikwe's struggling, I haven't consistently been able to demonstrate that I grok her reality—I've only acknowledged that it's been hard. In the end she hasn't felt fully seen, or even clear that I care to understand what she's going through, which reinforces her isolation and discourages her from speaking up (why bother?). 

I see this as another manifestation of taking her reactions personally. Instead of seeing how it lands for her, I've been focusing on how it lands on me. Not helpful.
• • •
OK, so I have issues (welcome to the human race). The question is: what am I going to do about them? 

Ruiz talks about three stages of mastery: awareness, transformation, and intent. The first is fully recognizing that there's a problem (or problems). The second is grasping the art of how to make lasting changes (don't keep doing the same thing and magically hope for better results). The third is seeing the power of positive intentions (AKA love).

Ruiz goes on to explain three pathways to effecting change:
a) Tackling fears one at a time. This strategy is slaying the dragons one by one. While this is possible and requires the least degree of sophistication, it can also take a long time.

b) Mastering one's emotions. The concept here is that you can starve your fears by denying them the fuel they need to flourish. This is not about blocking out one's feelings; it's about mastery of intense reactions such that you notice the tendency and make the conscious choice to not go there.

c) The initiation of the dead. This path takes the most courage, yet also is the quickest way through the swamp. It recognizes that life is precious and one never knows how long our life will last. If we can live each moment in full awareness and joy—as if it were our last day on Earth—than we can extinguish fear and not be subject to the worry that others will not approve of our choices.


In the last fortnight I've mostly been working with Door #2: mastering my feelings. With the considerable help of EMDR and my counselor, I've found the courage to notice my triggers and yet decline the invitation to wade into the swamp of my reactivity. While I undoubtedly have a lot more work to do, it's a start and the liberation from my old pattern is life-affirming.

What an interesting pearl to have recovered from the drowning of my marriage.