Falling Short as a Partner

Two days ago, Ma'ikwe told me, “I want to talk about what marriage means to each of us.”

OK, I thought. That sounded like a good subject. It turned out, however, that when we got into it, that she first wanted to address a different topic, "Ways in which I’m frustrated with you as my partner.” While this wasn't exactly bait-and-switch—I believe that Ma’ikwe is genuinely interested in the first topic—it’s just that we never got there because the surprise topic was on top, and not simple to navigate.

Here's a summary of her critical feedback:

—I’m not with her enough. In particular, I don’t spend enough time at her home, Dancing Rabbit. With her current health challenges (see my blog of Dec 29, 2009) it appears that the stress of travel may be too much and she’ll have limited energy for working with me, which chokes a significant part of how we’ve been together during our 4+ years as a couple (either through participating in FIC meetings/events, or through delivering group process consulting and/or training together. For the immediate future it appears that this pathway to time together will be more of a gravel road than a four-lane highway.

Jibran, Ma’ikwe’s 12-year-old son, much prefers being at DR to being at Sandhill (where I live), and it’s awkward for her to come over to Sandhill without him. So it’s much easier for her if I come over to DR. And I haven’t been doing that enough to suit her.

—I’ve committed to too many things and/or not prioritizing time with her high enough. If I took on less, there’d be more of me to go around.

My major commitments include:

o My partnership with Ma’ikwe

o My home community, Sandhill Farm

o My two kids (and their partners and my granddaughter)

o The Fellowship for Intentional Community

o Process work

o Friendships (far and wide)

o Writing (mainly for Communities magazine, this blog, and the book in me trying to be born—see my blog of Sept 25, 2009)

While I’m reluctant to take anything off this list, or even to shrink my current level of commitment to any of these (magnificent?) seven, Ma’ikwe has urged me to look more closely at this, as well as the possibility that I might cut loose some lesser planets of connection circling around me in deeper orbit. Her sense, at least part of the time, is that she’s dead last when it comes to how I parse out my time among the Big Seven. Ouch! While I don't share her assessment of how I prioritize my time, it's sobering to know her view and feel her hurt.

—I’m not consulting with her enough before making commitments with my time. When I countered that it was my sense that she did the same, she had a different story. Ma'ikwe felt that I turned down her invitations to be more involved in her choices about where to commit, whereas she never got invited to offer input on my choices.

In the past year, I stepped down from administering a health care fund for the Federation of Egalitarian Communities, and became a founding member of Green Eggs (see my blog of July 26, 2009), a consortium of cooperative business consultants. While each of these involvements represent a similar minor time commitment, Ma’ikwe was totally supportive of my passing on the FEC responsibilities, yet upset that I jumped into Green Eggs without first discussing with her whether that made sense in terms of everything currently on my plate (I had been discussing with her all along my growing interest in cooperative economics; yet she felt left out of the decision-making).

How It Looks from My End of the Kaleidoscope

I like how I apportion my life, and I value all of the commitments I have. Still, I want to honor Ma’ikwe’s requests. When I suggested that I might be able make more time available for her if I cut back on down time, she was dismayed. She wants me to offload significant chunks of commitments (though not to her, of course) so that there’d be fewer periods of squeeze, where too many things are clamoring for my attention at the same time.

While I can’t be sure she’s wrong, I am highly reluctant to attempt less. I feel that many people have supported my getting to where I am today and that I have service obligations to do what I can to repay that investment. Though Ma’ikwe’s is arguing that the quality of my service will be enhanced by accepting fewer commitments, I don’t think this is her call to make.

Unfortunately, her upset raises the ante, as what's at stake now is not just what I can deliver, it's how well I'm perceived as a responsive (as distinct from a responsible) partner. This is tricky stuff, and I'm not at all confident I'll get it right. Fortunately, however—and I truly mean this—Ma'ikwe will be a faithful barometer, and won't hold back on letting me know how well I'm doing. It's what good partners do for each other.