Sailing the Seven C's

I'm preparing a talk that I'll give this evening at Friends House, a Quaker retirement facility in Santa Rosa CA. As part of it I'll be talking about how to build community. In wrestling with how to organize my material (and be entertaining at the same time), I've hit upon the rubric of the Seven C's, which I'm test driving here:

1. Communication
The key here is developing the ability to listen accurately. Of course, it also helps to be able to be clear and concise in stating your own views, yet hearing well is crucial. Doing this well typically means developing a range of ways to communicate (styles and formats), so that you are using a language that is comfortable and easily understood by others. If making the connection is important, then be prepared to travel most of the way to others, instead of making them come to you.

Factors here include slang, time of day, how long you speak without pausing for the other person to respond, eye contact... even how close you are physically to the other person. There's a lot to this!

2. Curiosity
How interested are you (or more to the point, how interested do you appear to be) in what others are saying, especially if they have views that are different than your own. The more genuinely welcoming you can be, the better this is going to go. Please understand that I'm not saying you have to agree with someone to be curious about how they got there.

3. Courage
When you are uncertain about how to say something well, or how it will be received, it can be challenging to speak up. I'm focusing here on voicing your views (especially when you suspect they will be unpopular), asking questions (all the more if you think people will roll their eyes or label them "stupid questions"), being willing to change your mind in public, being willing to try something new or uncomfortable, and bringing your passion into the conversation. All of these things take courage.

4. Complexity
People are different. I know you knew that, but I mean really different. For the most part, our model of ideal meeting behavior is that people don't raise their voices, speak one at a time, and contribute essentially on a rational level. While all of those things can be helpful, it is be no means the only ways people communicate (or feel comfortable communicating). Can you work emotionally, kinesthetically, intuitively, spiritually? To the extent you can, it will greatly expand how well you can genuinely connect with others (and connection is the root of community).

5. Conflict
Mostly we have a culture that is afraid of conflict (because mostly we have experiences where conflict leads to hurts and damaged relationships). The key, however, is not how much conflict exists; it's how well you respond to it. The way I see it, conflict (which I'm defining as at least two different points of view and at least one non-trivial emotional upset) is normal and we need to have an understanding about what's happening and a way to work with it that doesn't pathologize the people who are upset. This is huge.

6. Civility
I'm not talking about pretending to be nice. Rather, I'm talking about intentionally selecting ways to communicate that you believe will be easier for others to understand and not be triggered by. It makes little sense to insert cuss words into every other sentence spoken to a church group, for example.

7. Constructiveness
Last, it pays to keep your eyes on the prize. If community is the goal, emphasize connection and see to it that your comments are forward moving. Focus more on what you think may bridge a difficult dynamic than advocating for your view. It's problem solving, not a debate.