tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2090387618484983886.post8683480399602957292..comments2024-03-18T02:34:29.852-05:00Comments on Laird's Commentary on Community and Consensus: Bullies and BoundariesLaird Schaubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01751204926086189047noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2090387618484983886.post-79937149951211553562015-09-15T15:22:32.797-05:002015-09-15T15:22:32.797-05:00I am not sure if you are interested in an exchange...I am not sure if you are interested in an exchange over this, Laird. I remember from the past you generally are not. But people change, so I throw in a few thoughts.<br /><br />I have never seen a definition of bullying that includes "making people uncomfortable." Generally, bullying is about demeaning, one upmanship, name calling, using various fallacies in argumentation or even lying to score a point, and so on. While I believe people have a right to protect their groups and their discussions from this sort of behavior, I do not, and have not ever thought that I am deserving of being spared being uncomfortable. Neither do I think that "loud voices" per se are bullying. And I am wondering if you use those examples in order to minimize the seriousness of bullying in groups.<br /><br />In my experience, bullying is always about power (as in power-over), whether it is intentional or unintentional, conscious or subconscious. I agree that is it difficult to know the intention of another person, and it helps to focus on the behavior, not the intention. (Sometimes intentions are so murky that even the individual in question does not rightly know.)<br /><br />If someone in group demeans me or another regularly, what is the proper response? Is it to ask that I grow a thicker skin (thus helping the bully) or is it ... something quite different, something to do with effective boundaries?<br /><br />And that brings me to the issue of boundaries. They are lines drawn by a person that specify what is, and isn't acceptable to me, in the way others treat me. Being put down, jeered at, vilified, called names are examples of behaviors a person might draw a boundary about. A boundary simply means that I will not permit another to treat me that way without consequences.<br /><br />After having looked into the issue of boundaries at length, I have never seen anyone saying, as you do, that "giving up on the prospects for productive communication with someone" is the essence of boundaries. I would say that is the extreme boundary when everything else has been tried, and disengagement and distance are the only things left. But there is a long long road with many options before coming to that point. <br /><br />Are boundaries triggered? In my experience, boundaries are trespassed, or not. Boundaries are set and defended, or not. Some boundaries are firm, others are negotiable. <br /><br />If a group sets (and commits to defend) the boundary of, say, "no name-calling" then agreed upon consequences follow the breach. The simplest consequence being the interruption of the content, calling out "process!" and dealing with the boundary breach before moving on. And by the way, genuine apologies go a long way toward healing a boundary breach, and are the fastest way I know to return to the content of the group discussion.<br /><br />Cheers!verahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06823525858589365541noreply@blogger.com